Do you get notifications when i post anything? Thats not really the first thing on my mind right now but its the only thing i can say without starting to get upset.
You're not in love with me anymore. This statement is either false or true and you have a week to prove its false if not i shall have to assume its true.
But then what does the phrase 'In love with me' even supposed to mean. You still talk to me. You still want me to stay with you. I dont really know what you want from me.
I want everything from you. Your companionship, your jokes, your smiles, your thoughts, your care. I think i want too much. Most of all i want you to love me. You loving me is the best feeling in the world. To think that you really think i'm something. Cause i do too, i think you're something special i never want to give up.
I cant imagine you being mad at me, yet you are. There used to be a time where you loved that i was stubborn, and you loved my forcefulness. Okay, i admit, im a bit too much. But i do listen. I just chose to not go with what you wanted and what i thought was the best choice. "Sleep."
Cause i do want you to get out of your jet lag, its unhealthy what you're doing(in my opinion). Okay...maybe i am babying you slightly.
And it feels as if now all i am doing is trying to justify myself. I mean, you know it was all with good intention right? I wasn't set out to hurt your feelings.
I would never imagine actually skype-ing you this. Its hard on skype. I feel as if whatever i write is wrong and you'll get angry. Ever thing i
I just thought about taking a day break of skype chatting from you. I then realized how i'd just be waiting online the entire day waiting for you to skype me. Then the horrible realisation that you probably wouldn't. You'd be hurt for me even suggesting it in the first place. You'd then either think not to reply cause its 'What she wants.' or cause you know it'll hurt me. I mean, i think you know by now what upsets me.
I guess i havent figured out EVERYTHING that upsets you yet. I mean, you dont get as upset as me and definitely not as often.(But that balance is shifting slightly)
Okay so i DEFINITELY got the ignoring you and the
I am very sorry, i know that i have been mean recently, and i cant excuse that. Its so wrong of me. I guess that its happening more often because, i feel like you will forgive me... But, even if that is true, its wrong of me to do it. Just cause you will forgive me eventually, doesn't give me the right to be mean in the first place.
ReplyDeleteI think that, when i get upset with you, i close myself off. I just think of all the ways that you seem to be hurting me, whether intentionally or not, and i spit it all out back at you ten fold. I am the worst person at times like those cause all i do is think about how I'm hurting, not what i am doing to you. And i cant help but feel terrible every time i realize how dreadful i have actually been.
For example, when i am upset and you are trying to comfort me, i try to push the limits of your patience. I push you away. I dont know why i do it. Maybe just to see if you will actually stay with me, or whether you will leave me, or just to get you angry at me as well.
But, thats not what i really want. i just want you to stay with me at times like those and just have SOME sort of physical contact with you. I think that calms me down a lot. In my head at-the-time i just want to get away from everyone, and everything, and to just escape, but REALLY i just want someone to stay with me.
It makes me wonder, how you put up with me. I really do think there are things wrong with my noggin. But maybe thats why i do it... to see if you CAN stand me. The real me. The one who is selfish, obsessive, and COMPLETELY neurotic... I know that when i am comfortable and happy, i can seem like the most charming person in the world, but i get set off so easily into these moods. I hate how it happens and i try to control it, but i just cant sometimes.
I know how much it hurts you when i am like that though, so when i do become "Mean Alex" just play the hurt party. Guilt me, that also helps xD
Things like "You dont love me anymore" or "You dont see me" make me feel really bad about my behaviour.
This has just become a rant... I havent even re-read what i am typing... It could sound terrible... But these are my actual thoughts Tilbo. And i think you want to hear what i actually think...
Know that i ALWAYS love you and always will. No matter how stupid i am acting i love you.